Countdown to 30 – Last in Series
Even up to this day, I can hear people call me Ineng or Ne. In rare occasions, Miss. I’m not here to brag. It’s just that many people constantly find me young looking (kapal). It’s probably because of my short stature that I am consistently mistaken for being a knee-high to a grasshopper. It’s music to my ear to certain extent. And I really thought I’m used to it. But the music is slowly becoming like a noise. I just wish to be treated like an adult the same as most people my age.
I realized recently that self discovery is not easy. For those who know me personally, I assume they have more profound explanation why they still consider me as a young girl more than a woman that I am today. I really thought I have always been responsible for my own actions. It is not in my nature to blame others whenever I fail. However, as I continue to recall some old episodes in my past I am beginning to doubt my disposition. Through the years I feel that I have not matured, striking enough to lift myself up high after a hard fall. And I am indeed secretly feeling bitter over a lot things. I can lie to anyone but not to myself.
I have always been a dreamer. When I dream, instantly I can see vivid pictures in my head, illustrating the outcome of that vision. But as I grow old, the quality of the photos I saved in my brain memory is fading faster than before. It’s because I am losing confidence in myself and faith in the character of others. I hate it because I am writing this when I am supposedly sharing happy memories and positive outlook about the future. After everything that has been said in my last two previous posts, here I am opening up quite miserably. This is my big mouth and my wired nerves speaking once again. I do not intend to dwell in this situation permanently, that’s why. So please forgive me for ending the series full of drama.
Breathe in. Breath out (repeat 5x).
Three days to go, I am entering a new decade. My mother is already lay-outing plans for my big day. But I am somewhat sceptical if I will pursue my grand plan or a simple feast with the family will do. I am also anticipating to buy a book, a blue jeans or maybe a 500-piece puzzle set as gifts for myself. However, those are just temporary remedy. With or without it, I’ll be fine actually. More than anything I pray that I will be on the ball soon. If I have the nerves to whine, I should also have the courage to pick myself up. Strangers might still be deceived. Fine! Call me Ineng; Ne; or Call Me Maybe (Joke). But for the people that really matters, I hope to prove that the little girl they used to see has grown up. I am a woman. I am 30.